The Intruder

As people who know me can attest, I’m a fan of scary stories.  I don’t know why.  It seems counter intuitive that a story which can illicit the horrible emotion of fear could be entertaining, but there it is.  In fact, the crazy thing about it is that the more a story can bring about that response, the better it is.  Crazy, isn’t it?  There are plenty of theories for why this is.  Some say it’s an adrenaline rush, some say it hearkens back to our primal days when we were constantly on the run from predators, while still others link the response to some dark part of our psyche that desires the emotion of fear to keep us motivated.  I don’t know the answer.  I just know that I like scary stories.  The scarier, the better.

So when I found Ghost Goons a few years ago, I was thrilled.  Apparently, several of the members of the Something Awful forums got together and collected various original stories and put them up online.  They were fantastic.  Unfortunately, the original Ghost Goons site let its domain expire, and now has withered away into nothing.  The good news is, some fine soul kept the stories and is re-posting them on his personal blog.  So, as far as I’m concerned, this is the new Ghost Goons.

One of the most memorable stories on the site, and one that still occasionally keeps me up at night when I think about it, is the story of The Intruder.  You see, many of the entries there were written almost as encyclopedia articles, as if the things contained in them were real and were simply being discussed from a purely academic point of view.  For some reason, this adds to the effect for me.  You lose yourself reading these articles, eventually questioning where the truth ends and the story begins.  Of course, in the end, you know that it’s all made up, but the fun had during scouring their contents can’t be matched.  The Intruder is one of these articles.

Enjoy.  You can thank me tonight when you’re trying to fall asleep.


The Intruder is a silhouette and similar in shape to a Siamese cat. When sitting, it is about 7.5 feet tall. It has two overly large, slanted eyes, which glow a bright fluorescent green, and have no pupils. It blinks these eyes occasionally. Other than the eyes, it has no other discernable facial or body features.

Whenever you enter your home after dark, The Intruder is always watching. It sits about 10 feet away from you in plain view. It remains immobile and does not even try to conceal its presence. While outside, it can only be seen by one person at a time. If it were to be within the sight range of two people then the first person who sees The Intruder would remain being able to see it while it would remain completely invisible to others.

It emits no noises of its own. The only time it can be heard is when it is stretching its claws on a tree or your house siding. If you approach it then it will run away very quickly and violently, kicking up dirt and rocks. The sounds of the wind from The Intruder’s movements and flying debris from under The Intruder’s feet can be heard. If you were to throw an object toward it or discharge a firearm at it you would get the same effect. Once you turn back to the door to insert your key you will find that The Intruder has noiselessly returned to its previous position where it continues to watch you.

Some say that The Intruder listens to your key hit the lock. They say that The Intruder can eventually ascertain the shape of your key simply by hearing the pins of your lock moving. It is unknown how many times The Intruder must hear you unlock your door before it can determine the exact shape of your key.

You see, The Intruder wants to kill you, that is, if this creature is even capable of wanting anything. Perhaps it is better to say that it intends to kill you. However, The Intruder can only kill you inside your house, and may not force its way in. Furthermore, it cannot enter an empty house. You must already be at home in order for it to enter. If you were to run outside of your house once The Intruder enters, The Intruder will pursue you, drag you back inside, and then kill you.

If you ever hear a key hitting your door in the dead of night then it may be The Intruder trying out its key that it has made. The Intruder only tries to use its keys when it is close to perfecting them, so if you do hear it trying to unlock your door then you can be certain that it will have a proper working key within a few nights. If you enter your house through another means, for example a garage or screen door, then you may suddenly find it them inoperable from the outside, through both remote or attempted physical operation of the door. If you attempt to leave your door unlocked in order to prevent The Intruder from hearing the shape of your key, then you may be disappointed to find that the door has been locked by the time you arrive at home.

If you hear a key hit your lock it is advised that you turn off all of your lights and attempt to push on the door to try and prevent The Intruder from entering, although it likely outweighs you. Once The Intruder enters your house all light sources above that of a candle become blinding to all inhabitants other that The Intruder. If you have time to light a candle then it is suggested, as this will still allow you to see the silhouette without becoming blinded. A very small advantage that you may have is that, once inside a home, all inhabitants are able to see The Intruder simultaneously.

The Intruder will kill every human inside of the house. It will only attack pets if the animal chooses to engage The Intruder. Most animals choose not to engage The Intruder. The only time that the Intruder will make any noise of its own is during a kill strike. The Intruder will make a quick hissing sound during this strike, and will not make this noise again until it claims its next victim. The Intruder has never been known to kill anyone without hissing during the kill strike. It will usually try to completely disable its prey to the point where it cannot move before it makes the kill strike. It is thought that The Intruder prefers to disable its prey before a kill strike because the act of hissing may be the only time that it is vulnerable to damage. This is purely speculation however.


For more scary stories of a longer variety, hit up my links section at the top of this page and scroll down to the end.  The story of Ted the Caver is particularly chilling.

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